Your sanity remains in question… (as does your horses well-being).

We all have that one friend who knows it all. Has an answer, a cure, a home remedy, an opinion, or a conspiracy that they got from a qualified source. Insert [Dr Google], and you have your “qualified source”… or is it???

Horse showing signs of lameness? No problem, just use a wand made out of willow bark, dusted with the saliva of the sacred Tibetan mountain yak and blessed by the flying spaghetti monster, and it will magically disappear.

Dr Google is the scourge of vets, farriers, saddle fitters, instructors, yard owners and well pretty much anyone who is an expert in anything. I mean, after all, who needs a PHD they have to study for when YouTube and Google have ALL the answers. 

Add in that we are living in an information age, or disinformation age, and yes. All I can say is the poor horses.

The plight of the farrier

Farriers have a tough time. I mean they are only looking after your horse’s feet. Like what the hell do they know about anything? Surely it is not a science to look after feet – especially when all the resources of the Interwebs (no that wasn’t a typo) abound.

Personally, I am surprised more farriers aren’t raging alcoholics. Everything from lameness, a chipped hoof, a natural discolouration – all of these are googled to find a magical answer. Yes sure put your horse’s foot in a bucket of paraffin once a day, and after one week you should be able to let him go barefoot. 

I saw a special shoe… it is one that if you tilt slightly, angle inwards, and cut the frog back entirely then your horse will be sound in three days. If you use dandelion root on thrush, it disappears. Toe clips are the devil, toe clips are amazing, some guy in the outer rim in Mongolia tried a bevelled toe clip, and his horse is the most balanced he has been in years.

I read you need to grow the toe. I read you need to trim the toe. I read that if you dump the toe even further, I will have more bounce in my stride.

Now reason aside, because according to Google, some of these things work. There are two little things that Farrier Google has no concept of. Conformation and physiology.

Why do horses need feet anyway?

The plight of the yard owner

My horse has gone off his feed. I read somewhere that if I add molasses syrup and feed him an hour later, he will be more inclined to eat. I also read that the feed you have been feeding for the last five years is now not good enough. There is a much better brand that works better for horses… Yes, and where did you read this? Oh on a google advert for a competitive product. Sorry but your horse is already psychotic, and the protein content in the food you have suggested is going to make him explode.

Horse explodes. I am not sure what you are doing, but I can’t ride my horse, and you must have changed something. Or… My horse has lost condition and is constantly pawing… I wonder if the molasses has anything to do with it.

Please can you use this blanket at night? At 3 am change it to this one. He needs to go into the paddock with this one, at 12 you can change it to this one, and at 4 pm when he comes in, I would like you to groom him and get him ready for bed so please repeat the cycle. I read on Google that the different airflows are critical to coat condition.

In my 40 odd years of riding, I have seen yard owners weep at the things that are proposed to them. 90% of them nod sagely and continue to do what they have been doing for decades anyway and agree that they are following your lunatic regimented programme for your pony.

The plight of the vet

Now, this is where things get interesting. Because yes dandelion root, turmeric and unicorn farts do work. For certain things. Speak to me for your supply of unicorn farts. I am the sole agent. You can get 100g for R4 Brazillion Rands at www.IhaveNoClueWhatIamSelling.com.

Now personally I am a bit of a hippie at heart. If putting rose quartz in a water bowl and a dream catcher in their stable is going to make me feel better about my contribution to my horse’s health I am more than likely going to try it. But when it comes to colic and AHS vaccinations, I am pretty much going to leave it up to the professionals.

I spoke to a vet recently who told me that well-intentioned Google diagnoses have increased their business by 10%. I read that if your horse has colic you must lunge, walk, put them in an ice bath, float their food in water, place an icepack on their back, use a heat pack on their head. (Getting the idea). With little to no consideration of what type of colic it actually is.

Sometimes our best intentions are just that. Intentions. Leave to the experts UNLESS of course, you have a pretty good sense of what is going on and your stash of cannabis and turmeric will do the trick.

The plight of the saddle fitter

Did you know that the saddle I bought in 1975 still fits my horse? It has fitted five horses now. With a pad, some Elastoplast and a lot of string – it will fit anything.

Now if science tells us anything, it is that industries develop and evolve. New things are discovered, and things we once thought to be the answer are no longer applicable. As humans, we tend to understand this and adapt. We don’t paint children’s cots with lead paint anymore – although it might explain my twitch and my penchant for psychedelics. I digress.

Saddles are a science and I have personally seen a horse’s jumping ability improve significantly because of the right gear being used. But what do saddle fitters know? Speaking to some of my saddle fitter friends (yes that is a thing) I have heard horror stories. Saddles with broken trees duct-taped, saddles with orange string (we all have it) used to tie the broken bits together, and a saddle is used on a 14hh pony then used on a 17hh warmblood with a completely different shape.

Pads. Pads fix everything. They are the duct tape of the saddle community. When in fact an ill-fitting pad only pinches the shoulder further and can lead to a bridle lameness.

Bottom line. Don’t Google how to fit a saddle. Please by the love of all things holy – get a saddle fitter to at least advise on what is wrong before you reach for the pad or the duct tape.

We are all an expert

The problem with things on the Internet is that any hack with a Mac and a free photo or video package can make a YouTube video look authentic. Check your sources people. We all have our specialities, and mine is that I am a demi-god in my lunchtime, and people pay me to amuse them with purple prose. You might be the MD of a wine company – if so, do you want to be my friend?

The point? Please leave it to the experts. There is a whole lot of pain at the end of a Google diagnosis, and you may well be more out of pocket than you are doing well by your horse.

Oh and again if you need unicorn farts, don’t Google it, visit www.IhaveNoClueWhatIamSelling.com. We take payment in Whisky too.

Content Credit: Charlene Carroll